“Are you a religious person?”

I goggled across at the lifestyle counselor when she posed this question of me. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I had decided to try out the counseling services offered by the university to all its students.

“I am Indian”, I said slowly. “So I guess you could say that religion is embedded in every thing I do, even though I am not consciously aware of it”.

“I see. So do you attend prayer meetings, or listen to devotional songs on a regular basis?”

“No. No,” I answered. “I mean, I respect all prayers. But I guess you could say that I am more spiritual than religious”. I was pleased as pat with my answer.

“Hmmm…” She did not appear impressed. “So do you pray at all?”

“Oh yes, all the time”, I said emphatically.

“And how do you pray?”

“Er…how do I pray?” I was stumped. “Well, you know…nothing formal. I just keep having an informal chat with God as I go along my day”.

She shook her head at me.

“You are probably analyzing everything under the guise of talking to God. That is not praying.”

I felt indignant.

“And do you have any hobbies?”

“I write a lot. I even maintain a blog”, I finished proudly.

“That is probably more analysis there. Don’t you do anything restful at all?”

“Oh that’s easy. I love to read…I read incessantly”.

She looked up – pleased for the first time in thirty-five minutes.

“Really?”

“Oh yes. In fact I read at least three books simultaneously”.

She looked more defeated than I felt.

“That is not relaxing. So you work and study – both of which individually would be a full load. Then you read like a maniac, write, analyze and socialize. But you have never learnt to relax or meditate?”

I shook my head – at a loss to explain.

“Well, we did undergo guided meditation frequently when I was training. But I found it really hard. My brain would not shut down. It was like someone wanted to chain down my legs and arms. I felt the need to drum my fingers or wriggle my toes incessantly”, I finished helplessly.

Her look was almost pitying.

“I want you to find a guided meditation class that focuses on breathing exercises. Stay with it for four weeks. If after four weeks you do not find it beneficial, you can come back to me, and we shall try something else.”

I can be almost dogmatic about something, once I get started. And so, even though I had my doubts, I found a convenient weekly meditation class in Brisbane. As was to be expected, I did not experience any great benefits in the first visit.

But it was a pleasing environment in the class, conducted by the Brisbane River on Thursday evenings, with soft music and group chanting of simple Hindu mantras. Besides I have never been one to fail or give up without a battle. So I stayed with it.

And it truly was a battle. Sometimes I think that we make out simple concepts to be harder than they actually are, when we are resistant. And so, I’d experience a ticklish cheek or an aching leg through my deep meditation hour, while all around me people looked flushed, rejuvenated and deeply relaxed.

Last night was my fourth week. Resigning myself to yet another two hours of slow torture, I decided to at least make myself as comfortable as possible. And so, I placed a cushion under my knees, an eye cushion on my eyes and took a blanket, as it often got very cold. Closing my eyes, I chanted the mantra absently, listening to the music and my voice.

I awoke with a start some forty-five minutes later…and I say ‘awoke’ for lack of a better word. I was not asleep, and yet was not truly awake either. It was a most puzzling sensation for one who is so used to being in control all the time. Almost like being lost for an indeterminate period. And then being found.

I lay there in the darkness and tried to evaluate my experience. But it was not to be evaluated. My mind was too busy floating around in the quiet. For once, it was completely stilled. All around me, people were silently listening to their breathing. As the music faded, we turned on our side and rose.

I saw rosy, rejuvenated faces all around me. For once, I felt like a part of them. The yoga teacher smiled a special smile across to me. She understood.

Letting go of everything is a restful feeling. I now saw what the counselor wanted me to experience.

I floated home, the stillness in my head still lasting.